On the twelfth day of February, the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs will meet in Arizona for the 2023 Super Bowl and engage in a spirited debate about which team deserves to take home the Lombardi trophy. That’s right: Super Bowl LVII is upon us; in case you’re a little rusty, LVII is Latin for 57.
Why the Roman numerals? These NFL players are our modern-day gladiators, flinging their enormous bodies into each other at mind-boggling speeds while the roaring crowd looks on. Beyond being able to perform under pressure, setting foot on that field requires real courage. And now, battered, bruised, and breathing heavily, just two teams remain in the arena. But the players don’t show that. No, this is what they’ve dreamt of since they were tossing the ball around at recess. And what better way to show your opponent that you are fearless and ready to kick ass than to show up to the stadium flexing your enormous natural diamond jewellery?
Before the Philadelphia Eagles and the Kansas City Chiefs go to battle during the 2023 Super Bowl in their quest to add diamond-encrusted championship rings to their collections, let’s take a look at who’s winning the game before the game: the Super Bowl Bling-Off.
Kansas City Chiefs
Clyde, who loves nothing more than to “glyde” past defenders into the endzone, is hoping to be active for the 2023 Super Bowl. He missed the last two months with a high ankle sprain but was close to returning for the AFC championship. Hopefully, he can be well enough to run the ball if coach Andy Reid calls on him to do so – his fingers are looking a little bare, and I think a glittering Super Bowl ring would really fill out his look.
Isiah Pacheco, #10, will be handling the brunt of the Chiefs’ running duties Sunday after next. Powerful, punishing, and one of the hardest-working athletes in the league, Isiah is motivated by some heavy stuff. His brother and sister were both murdered. Even if you’re an Eagles fan, find joy in watching Isiah play the game he loves, knowing that he’s doing it to bring joy to his mother Jody (whose name is enshrined in gold around his neck) and his departed siblings.
Sneed, diamond-encrusted nameplate gleaming through his LV jacket, is currently in concussion protocol. As the Chiefs’ ace cornerback obviously they hope he is able to safely play come February 12. L’Jarius if you’re reading this – stop it! Bright screens aren’t good for concussions, you gotta let that noggin heal up.
MVS, wide receiver #11, has undeniable drip, with his natural diamond-encrusted crest hanging heavy on his neck while its similarly emblazoned counterparts dangle from his ears. He wants you to remember his name and he’ll do everything in his power to leave his mark at the 2023 Super Bowl.
Mecole Hardman, wide receiver #17, has clearly been to this rodeo before. If the Chiefs are able to emerge victorious, Mecole will have to be sure to keep up his neck strength to be able to support the new Super Bowl pendant: check out the LIV (54 if you’re STILL rusty) by Al the Jeweller.
Number 15 on the jersey, number one on the depth chart, Patrick Mahomes is a man of business, seriously devoted to leading his team to victory. Unbothered by the camera, he’s tending to his affairs, staying hydrated, and keeping his entire field of vision protected from the sun’s harmful rays glaring off the ice clinging to his wrists and neck. Patrick should have ample time between now and the Big Game to get his injured ankle back to full strength so he can zoom all over the field while delivering impossible throws to his receivers.
AJ Brown, wide receiver #11, is lugging around this massive “1K” pendant on a fat chain. For every 100 yards Brown gains on offense, he tapes another $100 bill on a hidden spot under his shoulder pads. It’s his motivation to “keep stacking.” And the 1K is his goal of 1,000 yards receiving for the season, a feat he has accomplished in two of his three seasons in the NFL. I am all in favor of finding offbeat ways to motivate yourself – but he doesn’t do it all for himself, of course, it’s to optimize his contribution to the team. And at the end of the season, he gives his shoulder pad money to charity.
You may have just noticed that we haven’t given a ton of love to the big men yet. They’re used to that – and they usually show up to the stadium in sweatpants. But Milton Williams, defensive tackle #93, wants you to know that he knows who he is and what he’s worth. Peep the iced out MW. I guarantee that the pendant is ten times bigger than it looks here, dwarfed by Milton’s redwood torso. Listen. I went to a D1 school (not as an athlete), and there were some linemen in my astronomy class, one of whom is now in the NFL. I let him use the telescope before me.
Darius “Big Play” Slay, #2, plays cornerback for da Birds. I can’t see what the enormous diamond pendant on top is because I am blinded by it. But I know the one underneath says “Big Play.” We’ll see what big plays Big Play slays on Sunday at the 2023 Super Bowl!
CJ “Ceedy” Gardner-Johnson
CJ “Ceedy” Gardner-Johnson, #23, plays safety – which means if any Chief scores, he’s the last guy they have to get past. He’s quite good at not letting them get past – they have dreams, he chases ‘em down. That’s why he’s got a Dream Chasers-themed DC diamond-encrusted pendant the size of a hubcap hanging on his neck. Just kidding – it’s an homage to Philly rapper Meek Mill.
He really is a breed of one. Well, I looked it up and he has two siblings. But he is wearing the hopes of the entire city of Philadelphia and beyond on his sturdy shoulders. This should be a thriller of a game given that each team has a hyper-mobile, super-accurate quarterback. I don’t know what’s going to happen. But I am a sucker for a goofball, and tend to think that the lighter you’re able to be, the more capable you are of meeting big moments.
I think the Eagles win the Bling-Off, and will be buoyed by their fan base to fly on to victory. They’re just a bit zanier, and I think you need some zany to win the 2023 Super Bowl. That’s just a prediction. Here’s another: I’m going to have a blast watching the game with my friends.